The real truth about tools and their uses.
With the help of almost the entire DIY population here are the seldom revealed, but well know real uses of our common DIY tools. Enjoy!
Normally used to stab a hole in oil cans thus splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used to strip out Phillips screws, while blistering your palm.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, and butchering or slotting your palms.
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
Most often used to cut electrical wires resulting in a flash of light, followed by smoke and a breaker being tripped.
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
The best tool to create a huge splinter of wood where you only wanted to remove a bit.
Originally employed as a weapon of war. Nowadays the hammer is often used to bend nails, flatten fingers and sometimes destroy anything close to what we are trying to hit.
Used to slice through the contents of cardboard packages delivered to your front door; such as seats, clothes, liquids in plastic bottles, books, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Also useful in sharpening pencils from 6″ down to 2″ in a matter of seconds.
Most effective in destroying the wooden trim that you are trying to remove, or putting a hole in the drywall as you try to remove that wooden trim. Also a great to crumple that metal clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
Simply a tool used to make hoses too short.
THE NAIL SET
By far the best tool for setting nails and splitting trim at the same time.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
A portable cutting tool used to cut studs too short, make incomprehensible miter cuts, and make weaving cuts down the length of a sheet of plywood.
The perfect power tool for breaking blades as soon as you pull the trigger.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
THE 1/2″ DRILL with two handles
First off, go ahead and remove that side handle. Now proceed with breaking your wrist. Told you so.
The best power tool for cutting weavy lines on some bizarre angle.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity, as well as shortening digits.
Excellent for sanding the little scratches out of that table top, but resulting in burning through the veneer.
THE COMPOUND MITER SAW
Yes, you guessed it, for cutting those compound miters on crown molding that are always just a bit to short.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lifting your car of the ground, but not keeping it there. Also used to test the strength of parts not made for lifting you car off the ground.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching whatever you’re drilling out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest, flings your beer across the room, and ultimately dents the freshly-painted project you had carefully set in the corner.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh –‘
Used almost exclusively for lighting almost anything in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut most types of material into smaller pieces that fit more easily into the trash can, due to cutting on the wrong side of the line.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
THE SON of a B****’ TOOL
The closest tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a B****’ at the top of your lungs, just after having used any of the above. It usually turns out to be the next tool you’ll need right after you let it fly.